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Talk:GAW1 First Edit
Vanessa; I've spellchecked, and proofed as well as I could so far as continuity, grammar and syntax. 51,654 words in the original, 51,396 in the edited version because of a word for word repeat within a couple of pages. 1 Over all, a very good story. I really liked that Roy is showing much more maturity, even as a teen. Just a couple of questions though. Early in the story, you mention "...huge racks were pushed out like the drawers on a commode." I know that you and I understand what you meant because we've both lived in Europe over several years. However US and UK readers will picture flush toilets, or a chair on wheels, enclosing a chamber pot. We may want to change that to read "...huge racks were pushed out like the drawers on a chest of drawers." The last thing is that the final two sections seem "jumpy" and unfinished. Roy is facing down three Army types, then suddenly someone is being told about shuttle resources being maxed out. Then, just as suddenly, Roy is pulling his TKU on his Leedei friend Inklung. Does this mean more of the story is coming? Note 1 This is the repeated section: "Cara explained that the Bellebees had no natural eyes or ears, no arms, limbs or any of the prerequisites needed to start a technical civilization. Yet despite that, Bellebees were a tremendous important member of the Union. Bellebees had the ability to remember collectively. That meant every little detail, every information they had been exposed to over many could be recalled by any member of this race. They had not many things that distracted them and so could easily co-relate the most minute detail with a million other details and come to solutions and recommendations. They were as efficient as a computronic but added intuition, creativity and a certain level of emotional response to a solution. For this ability the Bellebees were a part of Fleet Command and able to react to a wide spread problem in a fast and decisive way. This was the reason the Kermac attacked this system , as they correctly identified the Bellebees as a powerful asset of the Union." Highest Regards and Best Wishes Dusty Hicksdustin (talk) 00:54, December 1, 2014 (UTC) Yes Iknow about the "jumpy section" This is how I write. In tthe very first draft. I write and then go back up to insert a new scene and push the old one "down" |thse "doubles" are actually "color coded " with blue or red in the actual manuscript This is avery raw first draft. I simply "dumped" in the framents as it became sort of a habit. I was thinking about the "Commode" but I didn't want t use the word drawers twice. It simply doesn't ring good . But yes you are right no one would make the connection. Yes my mother is German ...well I find an analogy to descrie the Planet |Bomer action. But having said all this it was good I did dump it here, because you read it and commented and edited , and opened my eyes to things and ...and...well to me it is a good thing and I thank you. Stuff like tjis you can't buy with money, So don't be suprised to find the next chapters in the Fragment section in a day or two VR Vanessa Ravencroft (talk) 02:59, December 1, 2014 (UTC) Strangely enough, that’s how I write also – get the thoughts down, then go back and sort them into a reasonable order. Reports, stories (any media) and technical manuals all have a “flow”. Interruptions in that flow distract the reader, so I really try to avoid them. Your experience may vary. After getting the order I want, then I'll worry about spelling, grammar, syntax and etc. The only other thing that comes to mind other than chest of drawers would be either a highboy http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tallboy_(furniture) or a dresser (although that tends to imply an attached mirror to my mind.) Hope that helps, Dusty Hicksdustin (talk) 03:19, December 1, 2014 (UTC)